Mercy! That chick thirsty!
Yo Chick
August 20, 2012Let’s make some Money! Bring it!
December 10, 2010I just saw the trailer for the new Hugh Jackman vehicle, Real Steel. It looks like a can’t miss. Think, Wolverine running around doing Battlebots. That’s basically it. It’s not that I intrinsically have anything against Hugh Jackman doing Battlebots, but I don’t understand the commercial appeal. The best sequences from the trailer are all the shots of Hugh Jackman yelling awesome stuff at the Battlebots matches. Something tells me this movie is going to be 2 hours of sweet dialogue along the lines of, “Let’s make some money!” and, “Bring it!” How did this idea possibly come about?
……FADE IN…
INT – BIG SHOT MOVIE BOARDROOM- AFTERNOON
PHIL, 54, slouches in his leather chair. His his brown toupee is slanted sideways. His Armani suit is disheveled.
PHIL
(worried)
Guys, we really need something good or that’s it.
Phil glances up at HORACE and JOHNSON as he takes a swig from the bottle of scotch balancing on his belly.
Horace, 46, stands in the doorway of the empty conference room. He runs his hand over his slicked-back black hair, and then brings it to his face contemplatively.
JOHNSON, 40, stares at the empty space between the two men.
JOHNSON
(stammering)
W-Well, my wife told me that as she was getting
impregnated by a demon robot last night,
it whispered in her ear something about
having Hugh Jackman star in a Battlebots movie.
….Fade to Black…
Yeah, it was probably something like that.
Worst case, we are looking at Van Helsing meets Rollie Pollie Ollie. Best case, it will be Razer vs. Aggrobot all over again!
How much would you pay for straight teeth? How about your life!
December 4, 2010Today, Invisalign received an FDA Warning because the maker, Align Technology Inc., never disclosed severe allergic reactions that some people have to the invisible braces. This is bad news because my dog’s teeth are really bad. I was counting on getting him Invisalign Teen so the other dogs would stop making fun of him, and now I don’t know what to do. On the one hand, I love him and don’t want him to die, however, on the other hand, I really dislike his underbite.
I have been looking into alternatives…
1) Traditional Braces: Though they are expensive–and I’m sure he will get nacho cheese stuck in them–I really do hate his underbite.
2) Teeth Removal: Gums are in this season!
3) Dentures with Diamonds in them: If you’re going to do it, you might as well do it big (Black and Yellow! Black and Yellow! Black and Yellow! Black and Yellow!).
Taylor Swift named 2010 Entertainer of the Year
December 3, 2010And Entertainment Weekly’s Entertainer of the Year is…..Taylor Swift?
Come again?
With so many juggernauts in the running, how did T-Sweezy pull off the upset to become the youngest Entertainer of the Year in EW history?
We have exclusive round by round analysis of the final four competitors.
…for anyone who actually cares…
Semifinal #1 Kanye West(5) vs. Justin Bieber(1)
The #3 seed, Kanye West, started the match still with lingering damage from last year’s T-Swift Tidal Wave attack, so the overall #1, JBeebs, had a significant advantage to being the match. Kanye came out throwing his new albums 5 star ratings, but JBeebs blocked with his AMA awards and counter attacked by making Kanye sit through his #1 most watched video on Youtube. In the end, Kanye just couldn’t take it. JBeebs advanced to the finals.
Semifinal #2 Taylor Swift(11) vs. Katy Perry(4)
As the #4 seed, Perry came out confidently, using her California Girls Power Up and blasting Swift with Teenage Dreams. Swift, unfazed, threw back her new album, which sold over one million copies in the first week. Seeing Perry in distress, Snoop Dog immediately jumped in to try and help. The match was then stopped because of Mr. Snoop’s alleged involvement in Soul Plane. Perry was disqualified and Swift advanced to take on the Biebersaurus.
Finals Taylor Swift (11) vs. Justin Bieber (1)
The match started out with JBeebs looking like he would completely dominate. He, along with his legion of tween girls, hit Swift hard with his best-selling memoir. Swift tried to counter with some crummy country songs, but they all sounded the same; She threw copies of her crappy Vallentines Day movie, but nothing was working; and then, Swift hit Bieber with a knockout punch…Avatar. No one saw it coming. Beebs had no counter. Swift won decisively.
I had no idea Taylor Swift was even in Avatar. I guess being a giantess, all she really had to do was put on some blue paint and she would’ve blended in easily. I’m going to have to call IMDB Check on that one though.
Like Shark Week, But…not
December 1, 2010
For those of you who are going to pull out your mother’s hair waiting for Shark Week to resurface on Discovery, NatGEO has prepared an appetizer that they hope will hold you over. Big Cat Week starts this Monday.
I’m excited; however, I don’t know how long that excitement will last. How much material can they squeeze out of Big Cats? A whole week’s worth? Ugh….
I foresee the first day being incredible. There’s going to be lions everywhere, tigers flying off of rooftops, and cheetahs that are trained as professional chefs. I’m just worried about each day after that.
Where do you go after you’ve already shown all your footage of cheetahs preparing Soufflé La Orangé?
Despite my apprehensiveness, I’m going to be all over Big Cat Week. Chalk my enthusiasm up partly to my penchant for Tiger Dance Crews and mostly to my unemployment.
Naturally Awesome!
November 5, 2010This video of Selena Gomez dancing in triangles has nearly 70 millions hits on Youtube. To me, it looks like a first project in Final Cut 101, where the student is just trying to show the professor that he knows how to use all the tools. I think he or she got a B on this assignment. If you haven’t seen this video, you probably should. It’s like a pokemon battle.
Final Cut! Go!
Use Chroma Key!
Mirror Attack!
Overlay!
Pikachu better watch his butt.
Close the door to get back up
October 31, 2010
This sign made me llol (literally laugh out loud). I get that Peebles is excited about their Fall line. I get that. However, there is probably an alternative way to advertise your clothes than telling people they are going to face-plant upon walking into your store. What about, “OPEN THE DOOR TO AUTUMN,” or, ” HEY YOU! WE GOT SWEATERS!”? What makes these slogans work better than the original is that they don’t make you feel like you’re about to sustain corporeal harm for a new pair of fuzzy mittens.
Maybe I’m not giving Peebles enough credit though. What if this is a subliminal strategy? Falling is a common nightmare that people have. Is Peebles honing in on this subconscious fear? Has Peebles hired Leonardo DiCaprio to infiltrate our minds and then extract our secrets in order to make us buy long johns?
You decide.
I doubt it.
But you decide.
Baby-V works at a Chandelier Store
October 29, 2010This video was the world premiere of Vanessa Hudgens’ first single Baby Come Back. I watch Disney every once in a while all the time, and I saw this video when it happened; however, something has always bothered me about it.
The music video begins with some disembodied male voice announcing Vanessa Hudgens as Baby-V, immediately giving her mad street cred. Behind Baby-V, there is some sort of ferris wheel or something. I don’t know what it is, but that’s fine. I don’t care. Then things start to go crazy around the 1:07 mark. For reasons that may never be revealed, Baby-V is suddenly surrounded by chandeliers. The chandeliers light up and flash while Baby-V acts like nothing is wrong.
What the…?
Here’s a few theories:
#1) Baby-V Works in a Chandelier Store- V couldn’t get off work to shoot the video, so she decided to shoot it at the chandelier store instead of just at the carnival in front of the ferris wheel thing.
#2) Product Placement- Since Baby-V isn’t the Jonas Brothers, Disney wouldn’t shell out the cash to rent the ferris wheel anomaly for more than an hour. To pay for her awesome new video, V decided to sell out to Cheryl’s Chandelier Emporium.
#3) It’s like Inception– Some things don’t have to make sense to be good. I’m not saying this video was good, but I am saying that it didn’t make sense.
I’d feed myself to Aragog’s children for Totino’s
October 28, 2010As a former advertising student and a human, I can tell you that a lot of ads are ridiculous. Though to get on this blog, an ad needs to be more than just the banal ridiculous. Enter: Totino’s Pizza Rolls.
The ad features children talking about a bunch of things that they love, but it turns out that everything sucks compared to Totino’s Pizza Rolls. I would bet my puppy’s life that most of these kids have never even tried Totino’s. If they did, I don’t see the final spot turning out the same way. I see the kids saying something more along the lines of, “Totino’s, eh…if you don’t have anything else,” or, “Totino’s…for when you want to feel disgusting.”
One time, my friend told me his phone had an app that turns it into a transformer, and I had to think about it for a bit; however, there is no way I would ever believe that kids like eating greasy pizza rolls more than summer time fun, wearing their favorite colors, and jamming to their favorite bands. Yeah, pizza rolls can be delightful, but summertime fun and wearing your favorite colors trumps them every time.
Billy Bradley: Undercover Copywriter 